First option or Priorities?

Sometimes all you want in life is to be someone's special girl/boy, sometimes all you want in life is to be someone's first option but you keep on ending up to be the second one, sometimes all you want in life is to be someone's high priority instead of being their first choice. But have you ever thought about losing them or maybe losing yourself? I lost myself, I drowned when i was searching for the life that no one could have which is without any shits to go through. When you feel like you dont belong here, you're full with disguise, nobody understands you, when everyone think you're weird. I have no choice, I will laugh along because I know none of you out there have ever felt this way. You'll be good while i'm always lost in this confusions, too many exit doors but all of them are fake. None of them are real. That feeling when something is wrong with your chest, is this pain? No blood, no scars, but it hurts.

When you think too much about what people talk about you, no one will actually care about that unless it's a bad thing. I don't quite know, how to say about how I feel. It's a never ending race, all I can do is keep on swim without letting myself drown eventhough im lost. Am I in need or am I done with everything? Sometimes, I do think about sins, what have i done all this time. Will people forgive me? Once, I actually said sorry to everyone, I really mean it but some of them don't bother to reply or to even said i'm forgiven. Wow, my life burst out. So much hates in me, I don't really like anyone. I really hope my bestfriends stay the same since they're all I have besides my parents, siblings and all the other fake friends. Man, fake friends are everywhere! My bestfriends are the best, they forgive easily. They know me more than my parents nor my siblings do. They're all I can see.

I dont need anything as long as I have my parents, siblings and bestfriends. The question is, will they stay the same? will they be there when i'm in need? or will they leave me one day? am i going to be alone? will everyone stay the same? will i be the same?

I need them to remind me on finding myself whenever i'm lost.